Spiraling
by linnell
Summary: Rentfic - Roger faces his demons
1.

He looks at me and I panic.I don't know what to do, or why I said that.The words flew out of my mouth; I didn't have any control over them.With a few seconds of remorse, I back away a few steps, keeping my eyes on him, watching his expression remain.My defenses begin to rise again when he races towards me, placing his hands against my chest to push me; I grabbed his arm and hold tight.

"Are you done, tough guy?"I grimace, he nods, turning red and not looking at me."Look, I didn't mean it, ok?"Again he nodded.I let go of his arm and push him away in the same movement, causing him to lose balance and almost falling.He takes hold of his arm and looks at me.

"What the hell, Roger?Why the hell would you say something like that?"He straightens his glasses and goes back to caressing his arm.

"I _said _I didn't mean it."I go over and take his arm gently.Where my grip was, has now turned red against his pale skin."I'm sorry, I didn't mean…" He rips his arm away.

"Roger, why did you say that, and I don't buy that bullshit that you didn't mean it.You said it, which means you must have thought about it."

"No, I haven't, I swear."Not consciously anyway, maybe in the back of my mind.I haven't allowed letting myself think about getting high, all those times I fought with Mimi about it, I never _really_ considered doing it myself.Even that first night she and I met, when she tempted me with her stash, I only thought about it for a split second.But that small fraction of time I have dwelled.How easy would it be for me to go back?All it would take is a sexy woman in tight clothes?Then I remember, I didn't take her up on her offer, I threw the stash back at her, and I forced her out the door.Not because I was afraid to get involved with her, but because Mimi knew my weakness, and the look she gave me as she waved that bag in front of me was the same one April used to give me all the time when she scored.I felt powerless and vulnerable, and mad that I was letting her get to me.

"Roger, I don't believe you, how could you not think of it?"Mark's face is so full of compassion and understanding, I wonder if he was reading my mind.

"Let's not talk about it anymore, ok?I can't deal."I pick up my Fender and start tuning it.Mark picks up his camera and points it towards me.

"Zoom in on the songwriter, hiding behind his guitar."

I look up and snarl at the camera, "You're one to talk Mr. Cameraman.Why don't you come out from behind the camera?"

"Nah, then I would have to actually talk to people."He smirks at me, as he turns the camera off and brings it down to his side."Seriously Roger, I'm worried about you.You…"

"…Mark, you're always worried about me, that is what you do best."I strum a chord and look up, "Don't, I'm fine."

"If you are so fine, then why did you say that?"

"To piss you off?"He sits down next to me, waiting for a real answer."I don't know why I said it, honestly.I really have no desire, though sometimes the need is still there."He looks at me with a panicked expression."I won't, don't worry.After Mimi and April, I have no desire to go near the stuff."He nods at he rewinds his film. Mimi and I broke up for good a few months ago.That is, unless of course, she decides to stop using.

"You can't scare me like anymore, ok?I don't think I could go through it again."

"I know, Mark, I'm sorry.Is your arm ok?"

"Yeah, it's fine, let's just get back to work."He goes back to his camera and I pick up my guitar.I'm not really concentrating on what I am doing but thinking about things.I really appreciate Mark now, more that I ever did before.I am sure when I was using, he was feeling just as helpless as I did with Mimi.Watching someone you care about destroy themselves is frustrating and exhausting and makes you feel powerless.Mark is stronger than I ever gave him credit for, because he never let me see him hurting, though I know he did.He allowed me to make the decision to get clean on my own, offering no ultimatum, but instead a decision.After April died, he told me he would be there for me whenever I needed him, but I couldn't go near him again when I was high.The way he said it though, it didn't seem like 'me or the drugs' but more 'I'll be here when you are ready.'

"Hey Roger, you want to see some footage I got the other day?"Mark is setting up the projector and turning off the lights, not leaving me much of a choice."I just cut it together this morning, just some people in the park, a little of you, I don't know if I'm happy with it or not."He turns the projector on, and I sit with my guitar on my lap watching the images flash against the wall.The film work isn't his best, seems a little shaky and out of focus.He starts going on about how he was trying a new technique; closing his eyes and just letting the camera take in what it would.The frame focuses in and out, and suddenly an image grabs my attention.

"Mark, hold up, stop the film for a second." He does and rewinds it a bit.Again the image goes by too quick to make it out for sure."That's Mimi, walking by."I say it matter of fact.I could recognize her even on an out-of-focus shaky film.Mark doesn't believe me and rewinds and watches again.

"Wow, how did I miss her?"Mark says, stopping the reel so it is frozen on the still of her.He looks at me and sees me staring at the image and shuts off the film."Roger, I'm sorry, I didn't even realize she was there.Too busy closing my eyes I guess."

"It's fine, Mark, really."I put the guitar down and get off the table."I mean, I know she's out there somewhere, I don't know why I am so surprised."Still, seeing that, knowing that she is close drives me crazy.I start pacing the floor, not able to stop thinking and worrying about her.

"Just go, Roger."Mark's voice interrupts me."You need to give it one last shot."

"I… I can't.She knows where to find me if she wants help.At least I know she is ok, right?" 

"No, what you know is that she is alive, my crappy film doesn't tell you if she is ok."He walks over towards me, "I miss her too."

He doesn't have to say another word; I grab my jacket and head out the door.


	2. 

Author's Note:

Author's Note- These characters belong to Jonathan Larson, not me.

I head straight for the park, and the sun is just starting to set, making it more difficult to see.It takes me a few seconds to realize that Mark has joined me.We walk along the perimeter of the park and up all the paths, remaining silent.I'm glad he followed me; just having him here is comforting.There is a bench full of young people; all probably junkies, and I go over ask them if they have seen Mimi.No one would give me a straight answer, but suddenly I hear Mark call my name. He is frozen in his tracks staring straight ahead; I notice what he sees immediately and go over.

You could barely notice the diminutive form sleeping on the bench, but I recognize that curly black hair, and figure.I go over and touch her gently, trying not to scare her.She awkwardly rolls over and I see the dirt on her face and leaves stuck in her hair."Roger?"

"Yeah Mimi, it's me."I look over at Mark, but he has moved away, but still remains close enough."Can you sit up?"She nods and sits up, coughing as she does.I didn't think it was possible for her to get any thinner, but she has.Her eyes hold a hollowness in them, I've never seen before.I put my arm around her and hold her, cradling her small frame to me."I'm here, baby, I'll take care of you."She silently nods and hides her head in my chest.I wave for Mark to come over."I'm going to take her to the loft, ok?Go get some food and meet us there."I reach into my pocket and give him what little money I have.

"Sure thing."He crouches down and touches Mimi's leg, "Hey."The word barely comes out, and I notice her smile at him."I'll see you guys at home."He leaves us, and I stay holding Mimi until the sun is completely set.Having her back in my arms overwhelms me more than I thought possible.For the first time in months, I feel complete.I stand us up, and she is very weak, but we somehow make it out of the park and walk the few blocks home.Neither of us speaks as we travel.We make it to the loft and I pick her up, barely an effort, and carry her up the stairs.Mark is already there with food waiting for us.He meets me at the door and we both carry Mimi to the old beat up couch we found with a sign that said 'Free to Good Home' and lay her down.I'm reminded of that Christmas Eve a few years ago.I try and step away, but she holds on, even with her weak grip.

"No, don't."Her voice is soft but stern, and I do as she says.Mark comes over with some soup that he heated up and I help Mimi sit up and try and force her to eat some.She won't look me in the eyes, but at the same time, she won't let me go.A part of our bodies are in contact every moment.Mark lurks around, looking uncomfortable until he finally announces he is going to go visit Collins.Mimi perks up at the mention of her old friend's name, "Collins, how is he?"

"He's doing ok," I answer her, it wasn't the complete truth, but she didn't need to worry.Collins had caught a common cold a few weeks ago, which developed to pneumonia and he hasn't really recovered.He hasn't been up to leaving his apartment, so Mark and I have been making daily trips to visit him.

"Only ok?What's wrong?"She finally looks at me and I try and mask the truth in my face, but she sees right through me."Roger, tell me."

"He's been sick, but he's getting better." I push her hair out of her face and behind her ear."No need for you to worry."

She tries to stand, "I want to go see him."She loses her balance before she is upright, and falls back into the chair.

"Not until you are feeling better ok?Mark will fill him in, don't worry."I look at her delicate features and just feel the need to take care of her, to love her.Before I realize it I am reaching out and touching her cheek and she puts her hand over mine, finally looking me in the eyes."Mimi, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let you go."

She smiles at me and shakes her head,"Forget regret, right?"She grips my hand and removes it from her face, entwining our fingers together.I nod in agreement, and I'm about to say something but she brings her other hand and places a finger over my mouth."Shh, no more apologies or excuses.I know, I understand."She leans over to me and finds my mouth with her lips and I close my eyes and let the feelings I repressed for so long flow out.We don't allow ourselves to speak, afraid of the many realities that could easily break this spell.The rest of the night is spent rediscovering each other, our bodies, our scents, our cravings and needs.The only words uttered before falling asleep in each other's arms were 'I love you' spoken by me.

I wake up to find myself alone.I sit up suddenly, "Mimi?"I rush out of the room and look around our small loft.Mark is sleeping on the couch, the bathroom door is wide open and Mimi is nowhere to be found.I do notice something else missing.Where my guitar once sat, there is nothing.It only takes me seconds to realize what happened to it.I fall back into a chair, berating myself for being so stupid and letting her in again.I know better, I should have been up front with her.I had myself convinced that she came back to me to get help, to finally clean up.All she wanted was some food and a warm body to sleep next to.I push the pile of books sitting on the table onto the floor violently, standing up and kicking the chair.Mark sprouts up from the couch.

"Roger, what's wrong?"He rushes over to me and pulls me over to the couch.The anger inside of me is too strong and I push him away, causing him to lose his steps and fall back onto the table.He stands again, "She's gone, isn't she?"He looks as sad and disappointed as I feel.

I nod slightly, "She took my guitar."I answer solemnly as I point to the empty space where its home once was.In disbelief he walks over and stands over the now barren spot on the floor.

"Holy shit, are you sure?"He looks up at me, not wanting to believe.

"No, it fucking walked away, of course I'm sure.Jesus, Mark…"  
"I don't know, maybe you forgot it somewhere, or maybe…" He gives up, finally believing the truth."Shit, Roger, I'm sorry."He shakes his head and goes back towards the couch, stopping at the folding table."No… no… she didn't."He starts frantically tossing papers aside and drops to the floor looking through the pile that I knocked over.

"What?"I have a feeling what he is going to say, but I can't let myself consider the possibility.

"My camera. I put it on the table last night when I got back."He looks up at me with terror in his eyes, "It's gone."


	3. 

The loft becomes a dreadfully sober place throughout the next seven days

The loft becomes a dreadfully sober place throughout the next seven days.Mark has barely said a complete sentence to me since Mimi left, and I don't blame him.I know he doesn't hold me accountable for what Mimi did, but he is mourning the loss of his prized possession, as well as his friend.Luckily, Collins was able to call an acquaintance and get Mark access to the film lab at NYU, so my friend has been disappearing from the loft for hours at a time.Probably a good thing really, at least his still is getting work done.Hiding in the lab, instead of behind the camera. 

I haven't really left the loft, except on that first day.As soon as Mark and I were finished being angry and then pitying ourselves, we went our separate ways. Mark went to try and find Mimi, and I went to local pawnshops to try and find our stuff.Mark found Mimi surrounded by a group of people in the park, and he told my gravely that my old dealer had his arm around her.He didn't even approach her, knowing that it was a lost cause.My luck wasn't any better; I found our camera and guitar, not even on display yet at the third store I went to.I explained to the guy there that it had been stolen from us, but he wouldn't relent.The price he was charging for either items was much more than Mark or I had, but I knew I had to get the at least the camera back.

So that is what I have been doing since, trying to get money.I'm sitting on the couch, with the phone on my lap, debating the improvable.Not my only choice left, but realistically the best one.I've decided to call Benny and ask for a job.I know I can make a lot in a short amount of time and get Mark's camera back and then my Fender.Still, I have been sitting in this position for over an hour, willing myself to pick up the phone, but every time I do, I think there has to be a better way.

All this obsessing over money has preoccupied me from thinking about Mimi.But as I sit here deliberating if I should call Benny or not, my mind goes to her, and this time I can't fight it.Being with her last week was amazing, those feelings that escaped, which I have since tried to put away, were ones so familiar yet so new.I am craving her, needing her and wanting her.I thought we could spend one magical night together and fix everything in the morning.I felt the love in her touch; she couldn't pretend that, I know it wasn't an act.She must have gotten herself in a desperate situation to do what she did.I believe my Mimi wouldn't have done that, she must have owed money or been afraid of someone.Thinking about her makes me want to go and search for her, demand an explanation and offer her my help, but I know I played it wrong last time, and doubt that I could ever do it right.Truth is, I've realized I may have lost her forever.

I remove the phone from my lap and go over to our kitchenette and take my AZT.I hold the bottle and stare at it.This damn disease they tell me I have, that they tell me I'm dying from, but yet I feel so healthy and normal, though not normal for me. The old Roger used to go out and have fun; this one sits around and mopes all day.Then I think about Collins, who each day is getting weaker, but yet doesn't regret a single minute of his life.I have spent the last three years regretting every decision I ever made.I have only truly loved two people, and one I know I will never get back.But the other is out there, and I know she loves me too.

I go back over to the couch and try to remind myself why I was fighting so hard to stay healthy.All I do is sit around this loft and wait for something to happen, but it never does.I don't allow myself to go out like I used to, afraid of the temptation.It was easier when I was with Mimi, she would go to work at night and I would stay here and wait for her to return, but knowing she was coming back to me, made the lonely nights more bearable.Mark was here of course, he was never into the bar scene, but all we did was work on our respective projects, once in a while falling into a good conversation, but mostly keeping to ourselves.

Even the band I started when I came back from Santa Fe didn't last long because I was reluctant to book us in any of my old clubs.I have built a wall around myself, only allowing those I deemed 'safe' to come in.It is a wonder that I let Mimi in at all, but really, how could I resist?I close my eyes and again long for her.It seems such a waste to me that she is somewhere nearby, but yet we can't be together.Or could we?

Why am I keeping myself away from her?Why am I keeping myself from getting high, something that I used to honestly enjoy.April, the drugs, and my guitar used to be the center of my universe.Mark, in his own way was there to, just not in the direct center.Still, April took herself from me, and I decided to deprive myself of heroin… deprive… is that the word I mean?In a way, it is.So then Mimi became my universe, and I pushed her away.It occurs to me that I could get my old life back.All it would take was for me to walk out that door and find Mimi.I stare at the door, trying to remind myself why I stayed locked inside for so long.Mark isn't here to convince me to stay, only my rational side, which is quickly losing the battle.The desire for Mimi, and the whole world she can reintroduce me to, is almost hypnotizing as I grab my jacket and walk out the door.

It doesn't take me long to find her, and as I approach her, I almost turn around, until she notices me, and our eyes meet.We walk towards each other, and it is almost as if she knows why I am there, not to try and take her away, but to invite myself into her world.She reaches out and takes my hand, looking much stronger than she did last week, though the same hollowness is in her eyes.She leads me back to the group she was with, some of them are familiar to me, and the others are new."Everyone, this is Roger, my boyfriend."She squeezes my hand and looks up at me, "Right?"I nod, remaining silent, just reveling in the fact that I'm with Mimi and nervous about this decision I have made, knowing there is little chance that I will turn back now.

The group welcomes me with little notice and before I realize it a needle is passed to me.I look over at Mimi, "It's ok Roger, we're all positive here."Again, I nod, terrified to speak.I insert the needle into my arm and before I press the plunger, I close my eyes and try and think of any reason why I shouldn't, but none come to me.Mimi notices my apprehension and touches my arm, "Are you sure, Roger?You don't have to."

"Yeah, I do."I push the plunger, letting the warm sensation of the heroin enter my veins.It only takes seconds for the feeling to fill my body, the sense of warmth and numbness and inhibition.It is as good as the first time I took it, because it practically is.I remove the needle and pick up Mimi and spin her around, kissing her.I don't want to let her go, I don't want to stop and think about what I just did, just let myself enjoy the high.Mimi grabs my arm and leads me away from the group, giggling.We find a spot in the park to be alone and permit ourselves to get lost in each other.Everything thing looks and feels different, less bitter.I almost get angry for depriving myself for as long as I have, but I don't have the ability to feel anger at the moment.Just love and lust for Mimi, and the warm numbing sensation in my veins

.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning I wake up in a stranger's apartment with Mimi in my arms

The next morning I wake up in a stranger's apartment with Mimi in my arms.I watch her sleep; she looks so peaceful and young. I run my fingers through her tangled hair and look around my surroundings. The remnants of an impromptu party linger, people sleeping, empty cans of beer lying around, the feeling of wastefulness in the room.It is images like these that I allowed myself to forget in the romanticizing of my old life.I get up off the floor, find my leather jacket and place it over Mimi while she sleeps. I go over the window and steal a cigarette from a pack lying on the table, another old habit I picked up last night.Strange, almost missed them as much as the heroin.I look out onto the street with new eyes and a huge sense of guilt.All the reasons I tried to remind myself of yesterday come flooding back filling me with remorse.The number one reason, Mark lingers in my head.But I turn around and see Mimi, and I know I can't go back now.I got a taste of paradise last night; Mark will just have to understand.

I scoff at myself, who am I kidding?Mark will never understand, he will be crushed.How can I explain this to him?I remember the fight we had last week, when in haste I told him how easy it would be for me to go out and buy a stash.Why did I say that?His reaction was to try and push me and I remember his words _"You can't scare me like anymore, ok?I don't think I could go through it again."_I can't ask him to, I won't.I made my decision; I want to be my old self, and most of all I want to be with Mimi.Still, that sense of guilt lingers, and I vow to myself that the least I could do is to get enough money for him to buy back his camera.

I wake up for the third day in a row to find no Roger.I'm really starting to worry, as his bottle of AZT sits on the counter untouched.I went to visit Collins yesterday and he told me he hasn't seen Roger since the Mimi incident, which I filled him in on.I had been avoiding Roger for the last week, though I couldn't figure out why.I just didn't know what to say to him, he seemed so pleased to have Mimi back for that miniscule amount of time, I knew it broke his heart for her to leave the way she did.Plus, I was mad, I still am about my camera.But what kind of person am I to complain to a guy whose true love just left him?So I avoided him, the first time in the long tenure of our friendship that I wasn't there for him.And now, I am starting to worry.

Roger has been known to take off, but never without notifying me, and not without at least packing a few things.The fact that his AZT is still here is what worries me most of all, it proves that he left in a hurry. There are so many reasons why he would leave like that, but only one that makes sense.Mimi.She needed him, or perhaps, he needed her.The nagging sensation that the latter is true lingers, and I decide to go search the park for Mimi, and hope that I don't find Roger with her.

I head to the door, walking past the table, and almost grabbing my camera until I am reminded.I never realized what a security blanket it was for me.I take a deep a breath and trace my fingers over the table, wishing it were here, but finally will myself to leave the loft and head to the park.I go right over to the area where Roger and I found Mimi the other day.It is a Saturday morning, and only a little after ten; the only people I see are families spending the day in the park.The junkies and homeless have sought refuge for the night and I do not see anyone that I could even ask.I sit down on the bench and close my eyes and put my head back.I know he is with her, it is the only explanation for his disappearance, and it is my fault.

I should have been there for him.I don't know how I will ever forgive myself if he went back to using.Just because I was pissed off about my measly stupid camera, I let him down.I wasn't there for him, though I had promised him I always would be.What kind of person am I?I scold myself for being so selfish and self-involved.

But then, my thoughts begin to shift at anger towards Roger.He knew what he was doing.He knew how hard it was for him to go through withdrawal the first time; he knew how it wastes his life.I watched him suffer through Mimi's addiction, her constant promises to quit, and then his frustration when she came back from work obviously high.I tried to distance myself from the situation, because as much as I cared about Mimi, I already went through it with Roger and April, and I couldn't do it again.I know I can't do it again, and I have told him that.Which means, if he made this decision, he knows that he can no longer be a part of my life.

How can I just let him go, though?Don't I owe it to him, to myself, to try and find him, and convince him to come back with me?I finally get off the bench, knowing that I there is no way for me to find out anything for sure, and head back to the loft.I almost go in the direction of NYU, but decide I really need to go home incase he comes back or calls.I head up the stairs to loft and hear a door shut and I recognize the boots descending down the stairs, before I see person in them.I stand on the landing and wait, he doesn't notice me until he turns and almost walks into me.

"Mark… hey…" He keeps his eyes down, clutching a small bag.

"Hey, leaving so soon?"I am not going to let him go without some sort of conversation.

"Yeah, I have to go…"

"…Find Mimi?"His eyes fire up as he looks at me, and then he scoffs. 

"Yeah, you figured me out.Good for you."He smirks as he attempts to walk past me, but I step to the side and block him."Get out of my way, Mark."

I take a deep breath, knowing that the next words out of mouth may be the most important that I ever spoke."Roger, please, come up stairs, we can talk about this."

"Nothing to talk about, I know how you feel.I made my decision."He breaks past me, and walks down three steps and then stops."Look, I sorry, Mark, I know this isn't what you want.I just needed…"He shakes his head and takes another step away, and then looks at me with kindness in his eyes, "Look, I got your camera back, it's on the table.Just finish your film, ok?You don't need to worry about me anymore."

"Roger, please, don't go, it doesn't have to be this black and white."I rush down the stairs and grab his shoulder."I know you still need me,"

He shakes his shoulder from my grip, and looks at me with sadness and shakes his head."No, _you _are the one who needs me.I got back everything I needed."He turns around again and walks down the stairs and out the door.I bolt up the stairs to the loft, slam the door and fall on the couch. I lie there staring at the ceiling, feeling incredibly helpless and heartbroken.I lie there for hours, finally sitting up and going over to the table.Sure enough, my camera sits there, as if it never left.I reach out to it take, but instead push it off the table. I don't even want it near me.


	5. Chapter 5

As I leave the loft, for what might be the last time, I glance up at the window that was my home

As I leave the loft, for what might be the last time, I glance up at the window that was my home.The past three days have already taken their toll on me, I am tired, and I am weak.I knew I had to go home to get my meds but I didn't want to until I got the camera back.I quickly got back in touch with my old dealer and he hooked me up with a couple of sales.It was quick money, and something I may keep doing so that Mimi and I can get a decent place to stay.We have been crashing in an abandoned building with what seems like hundreds others of people.It is disgusting, and I know we can do better than that.

I walk down Avenue B trying to erase Mark's face from my mind.I knew that was going to be hard, and in actuality the confrontation was easier than I had pictured it.He already knew, I just confirmed his assumptions.I'm actually surprised he didn't try harder, but I didn't give him a chance.That was my plan, in and out, no turning back.

Mimi is waiting for me on a bench near St. Mark's Place.Today she is looking very pale, and she says she isn't feeling well.I asked her how long it had been since she took AZT, but she didn't even remember.I walk over to her and hand her the bottle.

"Here, we'll share these until we can get you some more."

She shakes her head, "No, I'm fine really."  
"Mimi, you are not, come on, please for me?"She shrugs and I go into a store and buy some water and we both take our meds.I pull her close to me and kiss the top of her head, "I just got you back, I don't want to lose you already."

"How's Mark?"She looks up at me, leaning her head against my chest.

"He isn't thrilled, but I figured that."I take a deep breath."I don't know…" I get lost in my own thoughts for a few seconds and I hardly hear Mimi's response.

"Are you doubting your decision?"She pulls away from me as I shake my head."Baby, you came back to me, I never asked you…"

"I know, don't worry ok?We'll take care of each other from now on."

She pulls me in tightly, "It seems so right to be back in your arms."It feels right for me to, and I close my eyes and hold her, forgetting about Mark.

The three weeks since Roger was last at the loft have been really difficult for me.I have been staying with Collins because he is getting sicker, and also because the loft is just a hard place for me to be.I haven't had the heart to tell him about Roger, I just keep making excuses for his absence.I don't think Collins is buying it, but he is kind enough to remain quiet, that is until yesterday.

He told me that he wanted to see Roger and Mimi before he died.I tried shushing him, but he said he knew that it was going to be soon.Joanne and Maureen had already been by and so had Benny.I knew he wanted to see the last of his family.I promised him I would go find them.

So that is why I am back in the park.I have been deliberately taking out of the way routes so that I wouldn't have to go near the park and be tempted to find him.I make my way to the far corner and I spot them right away.They are standing in a small circle of people, Mimi is in front of Roger and he has his arms around her waist.I approach them and they don't notice me until I am very close to them, Mimi notices me first.I see her elbow Roger and nod towards me.He drops his arms and steps away and walks towards me.

"What are you doing here, Mark?"

"I just…" I try not to fumble my words, but hesitate before continuing, giving him a chance to interrupt.

"I told you, we are fine, just let it go, ok?We don't need your help, I don't need your help."

"I'm not here to offer help."_Stand your ground Cohen_, _don't sugar coat anything._I push my glasses back up on my nose, "I just wanted to tell you that Collins is dying, and he wants to see you, both of you."Roger puts his head down and nods."He doesn't have a lot of time left."I start to turn around, "It would be nice if you both come down off whatever high your on, he doesn't need to see you like this."I turn all the way around and start walking.

"Mark, wait."He quickly jogs a few paces to catch up with me."Are you ok?"I see a scrap of concern flash across his otherwise vacant expression.

"Honestly," I look in his eyes, "No."I resist the urge to tell him more, how I haven't touched my camera since I got it back, how watching Collins slowly die is one of the hardest things I have ever done, how I miss my best friend.I can't allow myself to depend on him anymore.

He nods silently, "Take care of yourself, ok?"

I sigh and take a deep breath, "Yeah, you do the same."I turn around and walk away.

Collins died the next day.Neither Roger nor Mimi showed up to say goodbye.I debated going to find them again, to tell them the news, but I decided against it.If they couldn't bother to sober up enough to come see him, they wouldn't go to the trouble of coming to the memorial service we hadfor him.

It has been a month since then, and I sit alone in the loft, surrounded by boxes of Collins' things.They had been sitting there untouched for weeks, and I am now just deciding to go through them.It is taking me a long time, because most of the things I take out, I slowly thumb through, letting memories take over.The phone interrupts my reminiscing, and I screen.

_"Speak!"_

_"Mark…it's Mimi…" _I sit up instantly and lunge for the phone, _"We need your help."_

__"Mimi?"

"Oh Mark, thank God…" She sounds like she is crying.

"What's wrong, is it Roger?"

"No, I mean yes, he's fine, well he's not fine…"  
"Mimi, what is going on?"The phone drops from the table onto the floor and I close my eyes waiting for the news.

"Roger's been arrested."

"Arrested… for?"

"Dealing."She says it so matter of fact.I remain quiet."Can you help us?"

I jump off the floor, my mind searching for a solution, "I guess I can call Joanne."  
"Oh Mark, that would be great, I'm so scared, and Roger, he's a wreck.His temper is flying and…"

"Where are you?"I don't care to hear about Roger's temperament, I grab a slip of paper and a pen and write the address of the police station."I'll call Joanne and meet you there as soon as I can."I hang the phone up and quickly dial Maureen and Joanne's number, berating myself for being suckered into Roger's problems.Joanne gets on the phone and I quickly explain the situation, and she bitches about Roger not showing up for Collins' and how we should let him rot in jail, but agrees to meet me at the station.She even says she'll call Benny to help out with bail money.I leave the loft and head for the impromptu reunion of our little family.


	6. Chapter 6

I walk to the police station, which is just a few blocks away, my mind swimming with terror and anger

I walk to the police station, which is just a few blocks away, my mind swimming with terror and anger.I can't help blaming myself; I didn't even try to stop him.I could have maybe helped both of them. Then I remember, there was really nothing I could do.Roger made a decision; he cut me out of his life.I don't know if I can do this, go and rescue him and then watch him and Mimi leave again.This has to be the end.

Maureen and Joanne beat me to the police station, I walk in and see Joanne talking sternly with the officer behind the desk.I look to my left and Maureen is sitting next to Mimi with her arms around her.I walk up next to Joanne and stand quietly as she uses her best lawyer tone.

"This is his first offense, there is no reason to keep him overnight…"The cop says something about a hearing the next day to determine bail, and that there is no choice to keep him locked up overnight.Joanne turns away in disgust, "Well as his lawyer can I least see him?"The officer nods and waves Joanne towards a door.She grabs my hand and pulls me with her.The cop buzzes the door and we enter and Joanne quickly introduces me as her partner.I look down at my faded jeans and ripped sweater and almost laugh but the cop just points us to a room.

On TV they always make visiting someone at jail look horrible, with the soundproof glass and the telephone.Here, we are shown into a room with a table and four chairs.Joanne and I sit down next to each other and I lean my head against my hands and just look at her.

"How did we get here?"

She shakes her head, "I don't know."

Roger is brought in and he sits across from us.He looks tired and scared.He has lost a lot of weight, his once muscular frame is now very thin, and his cheeks have sunken in.He come acrosss terrible.

"What are you doing here?"He looks directly at me when he speaks.

"Mimi called."He just nods and turns to Joanne.

"So I'm screwed, right?"

"Tell me what happened first."I sit quietly as he churns out his tale.

"I was at the wrong place at the wrong time.I really wasn't doing anything."He looks at me for a second, and turns back to Joanne."The cops raided Tony's place, just as he was selling to me.I was buying a lot, so it looks like intent to sell, but I wasn't."I put my head down."Really."

"Try the truth now, Roger."Joanne speaks to him very professionally and I am in awe at her ability to distance herself from the situation.

"Fine," He rolls his eyes."I have been selling once in while, and he was giving me just enough to take care of a few deals."He again looks over at me, but when I try and look in his eyes, he turns away."How's Mimi?"

"She's scared."I answer him, "Where was she when this happened?"

"She was there too, but she didn't have anything on her, so they didn't arrest her. "Mark, I'm so sorry, for everything."

My cold expression doesn't change.Joanne starts babbling about how she should be able to get him off since it was his first arrest and he wasn't actually selling.She said she can make it look as if he were a victim of circumstance."Maybe you shouldn't bother."I open my mouth and let the icy words fall out."Maybe you should let him learn his lesson."

She looks at me, "Mark, not here, ok?"

Roger slams his hand on the table breaking me out of my trance, "Fuck you! You want to watch me rot away in jail?"I shake my head. "Mark, look, it wasn't my fault, really."

"Yeah, right."He turns away from me, "Look at me," He rotates back towards me and looks me in the eyes, "I told you I couldn't go through this again, yet here I am.I think that says something."He nods."This is the last time though, no more."

"Yeah, I know."He looks at me defeated.A police officer comes in and tells us our time is up.I stand and look him in the eyes, "What is going to happen tomorrow if you get bail?"He shrugs.I shake my head and walk out of the room.Once I'm out I turn and slam my fist into the wall, crying out in pain.Joanne quickly comes to my side, calls me an idiot and walks me into the main waiting area.Benny has arrived and he is talking to Maureen and Mimi, Joanne sits me down and mumbles something about getting an ice pack.

"Mark, how is he?"Mimi speaks to me softly.I don't want to look at her.I can't help but blame her. The one time sweet, playful girl has turned into a shell of a person that I don't recognize anymore.I just shrug and she comes over to me."I'm sorry, look this is it, we were just talking about getting clean the other day.I know he wants to and I do to.Please, don't turn your back on us."I look towards her through the corner of my eyes.

"I'll believe it when it happens."I get up, take the ice pack that Joanne is offering me and walk out of the station.

Ok, I'm almost done…. Please review!Let me know if you like it or hate it?Reviews make me happy, even not very nice ones.


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning I get up, shower, and put on my nicest pair of pants and my only button down shirt

The next morning I get up, shower, and put on my nicest pair of pants and my only button down shirt. I start venturing towards the courthouse where Roger's hearing is going to be, but at a corner I am supposed to turn right, I go left.I don't really know why, I continue walking, increasing the distance between the courthouse and myself.I walk past a bank with a clock hanging outside and it says 9:04, I am four minutes late.I keep walking.I don't stop, until I am in an area of the city that is foreign and new to me.I walk into a no-name coffee shop, order a tea, and flirt with the strange girl behind the counter.I sit down, sip my tea and eavesdrop on others conversations around me.No one is talking about his or her best friend who is facing jail, or his drug-addicted girlfriend, or a dear friend who recently died from a terrible disease, or an ex-girlfriend who left him for a woman.These people are talking about the stock market, a movie they just saw, an upcoming wedding.These people have normal lives.

After borrowing a pen from the girl who works there, I spend the day scribbling down random thoughts in my head.Things I didn't know were in there escape through the ink.I write about everything, my family, my friends, and my failed career.Nothing has turned out the way I planned.Not a single thing.

Around two-o'clock, I begin to wander home.It takes me another hour and I finally make it to the loft, the pieces of paper, folded and stuffed in my pocket.I walk in and find the phone machine's red light blinking furiously. I take a deep breath and play the messages.

_ _

_"Mark, where are you?It is going to start in five minutes.Pookie, I know… well Joanne says you are probably on your way here.I hope you aren't late."_

_ _

_"Mark, Maureen again.Where are you?Roger's case hasn't been called up yet, but he is next.He has been looking for you."_

_ _

_"Mark, it's Benny.Roger's hearing is over, he made bail and I lent him the money.Where are you?"_

So he got out.Knowing Joanne, he will get off and things will go back to normal.But what was normal anymore.While I was listening to the machine, I didn't hear the door behind me open and someone step in.

"Mark?"Roger's voice.I turn around.

"Hey."I pull the papers out of my pocket toss them on the table, trying to look busy.

"Where were you today?"

I don't turn towards him, and keep looking down, thumbing through a magazine left near the answering machine."I couldn't make it."  
"Bullshit."He walks towards me, "Mark, I'm sorry, don't be like this ok?"He reaches out to my shoulder to try and turn me but I shake him off.

"I told you last night, I'm done.There's nothing left."

"Look, we're going to stop.We promised each other.We were talking about moving back here, if that is ok with you?"

The thought of Roger back in the loft perks me up for an instant, but I repress the excitement."No, it's not ok."

"What?"He looks shocked.

"I'm not going to live with you again, whether your using or not."I finally look at him and speak with a voice that sounds much braver than how I feel."I'm not going to let you into my life again, you walked out.You made the decision."  
"Mark, come on, I wasn't thinking.I wanted to be with Mimi, I needed to be with her, and I knew this was the only way." 

I shake my head as he speaks, letting a few tears escape."Well be with Mimi, just somewhere else."I raise my voice, "Get the rest of your shit and get out of here, I don't want you here anymore."

He stands and stares at me.Finally he speaks, well yells, to be more accurate."I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!YOU CALL YOURSELF A FRIEND?" 

I nod, "Yeah, I do.Perhaps I haven't really been a friend to you all along, coddling you and enabling you.No more.I really hope you get cleaned up, you and Mimi both.But you have to do it on your own, and I am not able to help you."

"Mark, we can't… I can't do it without you."I shake my head again, bringing more calm into my voice.

"Just get your stuff and get out."I walk away and into the corner where my bed is.I lay down and listen to him swear and bang things around, obviously grabbing what little possessions he has left.I hear the front door open and I think he has left but he suddenly appears over my bed.

"Mark?"His voice is shaking and I can see the red in his eyes and the tears stained on his cheeks."This isn't the end, ok?I'll get cleaned up and I'll make you proud."

I close my eyes and nod into the bed and turn and watch him leave the loft.I get up to go after him, but stop myself.I just forced my best friend out of my life.Now what am I going to do?

The End- Please Review!Let me know if you liked it.I was tired of writing happy endings, so this one doesn't get it.


End file.
